Baby on the Brain: My Top 10 Baby Products

If you've read/seen A Simple Favor, you will know that the main character Stephanie is an avid mom blogger (vlogger in the film).  Rest assured, I'm not quitting my day job to do that.  Well, I did kind of quit my day job...but it was definitely not to be a mom blogger.

I actually really enjoy mom blogs, and have a book called "I Just Want to Pee Alone" that is a collection of hilarious mom blog posts, but my brain just goes in too many different directions to narrow my rantings down to one topic alone.  Since I did leave my job to be a stay at home mom for a bit, though, be prepared to read a good many mom posts on here.  Or skip 'em.  It's totally your call.

Anyway, as I sit here with two sleeping cherubs, (three, if you include my primadonna rag doll cat) and a husband sitting through delectable meetings in his office, my house is as quiet as it's likely going to be all day, and I have some time to write.

This post, like many, has been rolling around in the back of my mind for awhile now, and was prompted by inadvertently receiving baby shower gifts for my firstborn that I didn't necessarily ask for, but in hindsight really, really love.  I know not everyone likes spontaneous gifts, especially when a baby is on the way, as people have personal tastes, themes, colors, and certain ideologies that often prohibit (even subconsciously) people from buying gifts not on the registry.  Here I am to share with you my top 10 baby products (in no particular order) that I never in a million years would have picked out for myself, but am really glad they were given/suggested to me by my much wiser mom friends.  Enjoy!

(BTW these are all honest to God suggestions and are not promotional.  Honestly, out of the 73 people that read this blog, we all know Munchkin and Pamper's reps aren't accounted for, but I thought I'd add the disclaimer anyway.)

10) Johnson's Hand & Face Wipes

Every mom likely has a plethora of wipes for baby's diaper needs, but anyone who's tried to use said wipes on other places has probably found them to be, well, not as effective.  Sure, they kind of get the job done, but when my eyes were opened to these bad boys via a random conversation with a friend, the competition was over.  I am by no means a brand snob (unlike my husband) which you can see from the various brands and non-brands on this list, but the Target version of these just didn't have the same subtle, yet amazing scent these had.  I'm all for the knock off brand, but when it comes to hand and face wipes, I go the extra mile.

9) Arm & Hammer Scented Diaper Bags

Never have I ever dropped off my child at a sitter's without these small, but mighty beasts in the diaper bag.  A similar version of these was bestowed upon me at my firstborn's shower, and upon not being able to find that brand, I resorted to Arm & Hammer, and ended up loving them.  They can get unruly in the diaper bag if they are not restrained, so I used one of the hundred billion baby hair ties I have in the house to secure them, and sometimes reinforce security by putting them in a ziplock bag.

8) Ingenuity 3-in-1 High Chair

I can actually take credit for this one, as this exact high chair was on my registry.  ANYTHING convertible or multi-in-one is a win for me (unless it's a bra.  Those are hella confusing and make me feel like I am going to suffocate whilst trying to assemble unnecessarily difficult neglige), and we get SO much use out of this.  I'm sure any brand would be great, this is just the one we happened to stumble upon.

7) Tommee Tippee Bibs

One of my wise mom friends swears by these, and I see why.  They're rubbery/silicone-y, so there's no need to put them in the washer and wait for them to dry; just throw that sucker in the sink and it's ready to go in seconds.  It's hard to see from the photo, but there's a pocket for picking up ramen noodles and cereal.  Or anything your child may inadvertently dispense from his or her mouth.

6) Newborn Mittens

This find was a happy accident on my behalf.  Who knew, even when you trimmed baby's nails, that she would consistently try to gouge out her corneas?  At least wait until ice-breaker day at your college orientation before you try to attempt that.  Anyway, these are manageable, efficient, and as cute or as simple as you want them to be.  (FYI-frugal me tried to just use socks.  They stayed on her hands about as well as they stay on her feet...which is not well)  I would say to get at least three pair, as we found these got in the way of many a spit up, and had to be washed a lot.

5) My Breast Friend Nursing Pillow

For my first child I ended up receiving two Boppy nursing pillows, which I loved and one of which I still occasionally use.  I often struggled with the things I assume most Boppy users probably struggle with (or maybe I just struggle more than the average human):

Boppy Pillow, for reference

1. I have it around me, now time to get the baby.  Shit, the Boppy fell off of me.  I probably shouldn't drop the baby to pick it up.  How does one DO THIS?
2. Okay, baby first, THEN Boppy.  Got it.  Baby is up, and grab the Boppy.  How do I get it on me without dropping the baby?  Maybe if I twist it this way...dammit.  I probably shouldn't drop the baby to pick it up.
3. Finally!  Baby is nursing well and is so cozy, but what's with this gradual gap widening between me and the pillow?  And now the pillow is on the floor.  Again.

My Breast Friend was suggested to me by my wedding photographer when we were doing my firstborn's baby shoot.  It not only has a ridiculously fun name, but fastens behind you like a badass Rambo nursing station.  It's probably made out of the same stuff they make those crazy mattresses out of where people are jumping on it with wine glasses on the corner, but don't quote me on that.  It has two bumps on it that help naturally lift baby's head AND IT HAS A POUCH.  For a binky.  Or a bottle.  Or Cheetos for mom.

4) Munchkin Latch Baby Bottles

Self-proclaimed non-brand snob here to say I really do love this specific brand.  I didn't try a ton of bottles, but once these were used it seemed to be a perfect fit.  Literally.  Target for the win, as there was a small 4 oz. bottle in the sample pack they gave me as a gift for being pregnant.  (By the way, can we talk about how the young woman passing out gift bags to pregnant women at the front of the Target store needs a huge raise?  How many times do you think she gave a non-pregnant woman a perk package and said "Congrats!" with a huge grin on her face?  Hopefully never.)  Interestingly enough, despite having initially received the sample from Target, they didn't have any replacement parts when I stopped by the other day to get some nipples (If I had a dollar for every time I typed that...).  *shrug*

3) Cloth Diapers

Before you go congratulating me on being extraordinarily patient and eco-friendly, let me tell you that we don't use cloth diapers on our kids.  One of my cousins gifted these to me and prefaced it with "they work really well as burp cloths...and also to wash your car!"  Note: do not burp a baby with it and then wash your car.  Other than the awesome hand-made burp cloths one of my friends sewed for me, these are the most efficient burp cloths EVER.  I did receive lots of really cute matching burp cloths, which I love for aesthetic reasons, but in terms of efficiency, I feel like I could just as well burp my child with a Kleenex.

2) Munchkin Brica Car Mirror

This was an unexpected gift from a friend that saved me MANY an unhappy car ride back from Watertown.  The remote clipped on my visor, and I can put it on daytime music, or sleepy music.  The little bug lights up, as well as the mirror, and the tunes are actually pretty cute.  I may or may not have named them all, and solfeged them all in my head.  It's surprising how many of the melodies are not diatonic...I digress.  I'm sure many brands have something similar, and while I love mine, perhaps try to find one with a power button on the remote.  It will eventually go into "sleep mode", but I would often forget to turn it off when I was getting wee one out of the car, and let's just say we went through a lot of AAA batteries because of it.

1) Fitted Waterproof Crib Mattress Cover


As luck would have it, we haven't yet utilized the magic that is my sister-in-law's advice: place a fitted sheet over the crib mattress, and then top it with the waterproof mattress cover.  Then, put ANOTHER fitted sheet on top.  That way, after a blowout diaper or tsunam-pee, you can easily remove the nasty sheet, plus the cover, and not have to get a new sheet out in the middle of the night.  We are fortunate enough to have never had diaper accidents in the middle of the night, and I swear it's because we are prepared for it.  As soon as I take the mattress cover off, it will probably be shit central in my nursery, which is why I'll not likely remove it any time soon.  (As a note, any brand is probably fine, and while the photo says Carter's, I can't honestly remember what mine is.)

Being a mom of any number of children is basically like the scene in Saw 2 where the girl has to jump into a pit of used hypodermic needles in order to find the key to save her life.  Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it can sometimes feel like that.  Social media makes it all too easy to judge moms, and in addition to just providing helpful advice, I wanted to post this to give a shout out to all my mom friends out there who have helped pave the way for my maternal journey.  It is so easy to criticize, but so much more healing to help, so I hope this post helped you in the same way all my mom friends helped me.

Hitting the Reset Button Part II: Teaching

After our first child was born, I knew I was going to have to do some re-prioritizing and remove some hobbies out of my hectic schedule.  I feel like I was reasonable and proactive about it, and joked with my husband after the process that, "Well, all I have left now is the pageant and my job...hopefully they will be enough to keep me busy!"  Fast forward to three years later, and it turns out that both are now elements of my past, and looking forward I have an incredibly new, exciting, and somewhat terrifying chapter ahead of me.  Being a full-time mom.

Losing two things that were so instrumental to building my current identity in such a short order was a bit of a shock, but one that I was able to manage in bite-size pieces, and handle as well as one could be expected to handle it.  Being that I can't do either justice in just one post, I figured I would separate my thoughts in parting with two of the greatest passions I have had the pleasure of pursuing.  I give you Part II: The Best Teaching Gig Ever.

I'll try to spare you the length of the last post, since this one is a bit shorter portion of my life.  10 years of investment in teaching, rather than 15, but who's counting?  Starting at the end, once again, seems to make the most sense.

I left my job.  It's not something I planned on doing, and honestly, was not even something I wanted to do.  Like, remotely wanted even.  It just sort of happened.  Most moms-to-be have their career paths a little more well thought out than a spontaneous "I think I'm going to leave my job" moment, but that's really how it happened.  It was a realization that I came to some time in mid-April of this year, and it was hands down the most difficult decision I've ever made in my 32 years of existence.  Thankfully, we are in a position financially where this was an option for me, otherwise it wouldn't have even been a consideration, so I am truly blessed to have the luxury of making a choice, don't get me wrong.  It just, much like some of my pageant journey, wasn't part of "the plan".

10 years ago I started long term subbing at General Brown, but ultimately, I was the full time teacher for that year, even though it wasn't reflected financially or on paper.  I started in September, and ended in June, and fulfilled all the obligations of a full-time employee...and then some.  At this time, I was fresh out of college, 22 years old, and living at home with my parents, so it wasn't unusual for me to prefer spending my hours in "my" classroom revamping and inventing the program of my dreams.  It was my hope that I would be hired full-time the next year, so I invested a lot of time scrapping basically the entire curriculum, and building anew.  I was young, energetic, and desperate to fill my time with anything but going home.

It took a few years for me to find my stride, and to find the teaching style that was both effective for my students, and an accurate reflection of who I was fundamentally.  By around year 3-4, I had pretty much figured out what I wanted my classroom environment to feel like, and each year it got a bit more cozy and family-like.  I won't lie, we had our share of drama and ups and downs in the classroom environment, but it was starting to feel more and more like home.  Strangely enough, the more time I invested in my program, the better I felt about it.  Funny how there's a parallel there, huh?

Suffice it to say by year ten I was feeling very comfortable, and while I was still investing in my program, it was able to run a bit more like the well oiled machine I envisioned it being.  I had proposed new courses, and had basically every vocal teacher's dream: no general music.  I had really fun electives which students chose to be a part of, so there was little to no negotiating to get students interested in the content.  The spark of interest was already there.  I loved my schedule.  I loved my colleagues.  I really enjoyed my administrators and was starting to get more involved with professional commitments.  I adored my students and what we were able to share with each other.

This is where you ask, "Ummm, so why did you give it up?".  That's a difficult question to answer simply, and it was one that I had difficulty sharing with my students when the time came.  I felt like I was at the peak of my professional game, and now was the time for me to leave?  Really?

Well, yes.  The best way I could simply state it was this: "If it were easy to walk away, I should have done it a long time ago."  As a 22 year old, I was on top of the world and had nothing but time to devote to my students.  I had ambitions, a timeline, new ideas, and creative ways to implement those ideas.  Fast forward to 32 year old me with a husband and two children (and a very needy cat).  I had built a program that couldn't be sustained by this new me, and I neglected to see it coming.  Not only that, but I tried with one child, and noticed how badly my family dynamic suffered.  Furthermore, I ignored it, and continued to be happily married to my job as if nothing was wrong, but deep down I knew there was a problem.

Don't get me wrong, if you know my oldest cherub, she is one happy little bugger.  She has thrived these past three years, because we have had SO much support from my mom, mother-in-law, stepmother-in-law, and sister-in-law.  In fact, that's one of the reasons that made it so difficult to acknowledge the issue: she was being raised SO WELL by four super-moms, why on earth would I want to step in and ruin it?  This was not an overt thought of mine, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't rolling around in the back of my head somewhere.

So: dream job, one kid, head barely above water.  We're doing okay.  What about hypothetical baby Willis #2?  My husband and I talked A LOT, and for a very long time, about whether or not it was a good idea to even consider procreating again, and one of the stipulations we had was that I wouldn't give up my job if we were to have a second child.  So, you can imagine my shock when I ultimately decided that leaving my job was the only choice I really had.  Not only that, but since the epiphany didn't come to me until mid-April, I was already promising my students and colleagues things that I wasn't going to be able to deliver the next year.  Good job, me.

I'm a pretty spiritual person, and if you haven't realized this about me yet let me fill you in: I firmly believe that God has a plan for everyone.  I am beyond blessed in my life, and I feel like part of that is because I have complete faith that I will be guided in the right direction.  Sometimes it's not a direction I envision myself taking, but I have trusted for a long time that my path isn't always the one I choose for myself and it has yet to lead me astray so I'm just going to keep going with it, as silly as it may sound to some.  So, when the option of staying at home presented itself, it makes sense that I would react calmly and just trust what's ultimately best.

Well, I didn't.

I cried.  I screamed.  I had horrible tear stains on my dress.  I verbally rationalized (at a rather loud dynamic level) all the reasons why I had to stay at my job, and all of the ways around this option that I had promised myself I would never, ever entertain the idea of.  I was super immature about it, and even as the angry words and suggestions poured from my mouth, I was annoyed with how selfish all of the reasons sounded.  I loved MY job.  I worked so hard to build MY program.  MY students needed ME.  MY job was a huge part of MY identity.  This isn't what I envisioned for MYSELF.  You get the picture.  To quote my brother-in-law as he lovingly mocks my profession,  "me me me".

Thankfully, I had to pull myself together because we were about to visit family in Canada for the weekend, and once again what I wanted didn't happen, and what did happen was for the best.  My husband had to leave to play a gig, and I was left without the ability to contact him overnight (despite the close proximity, Canada is in fact another country), which gave me the opportunity to think.  And silently cry.  And think some more.

I weighed the options, took many steps back, and looked at the big picture.  I also went to church like, five times in seven days because it was Holy Week, and that gave me tons of clarity and perspective.  If that wasn't enough, Delilah sealed my fate.  Yes, I'm talking about the cheesy, romantic evening radio program.  A woman called in and her name was Corinne.  Not a perfect match, but it got my attention.  She requested a song (I think Delilah ended up playing "Crazy for You" by Madonna) for her husband because she loved him so much and he was the best and blah blah...you get the idea.  She went on to say, though, that he was incredibly supportive, and worked so hard in his job to ensure that she could stay home and raise their children.  Again, I know this sounds ridiculously stupid to some, but if this was not a sign that I was making the right choice, I really don't know what is.  (Although to be perfectly honest, I hate that song.  That's neither here nor there, though.)

So, there it is.  Now I just have to tell my boss.  And my boss's boss.  And my students.  Good Lord, my precious babies whom I love so dearly.  It felt like initiating an amicable, yet undesirable breakup.  "Hey, we both know this just isn't going to work out in the future.  I wish you the best, but I have to go my own way now.  You can keep the sofa, but I am taking the dining set.  Peace."  Needless to say, lots of ugly crying went down with my boss.  And a good amount with my boss' boss.  And with my students.  There may have been sunglasses and a box of tissues on hand while I presented a 22 slide PowerPoint, because there's no way I could have verbalized it.  I also care about them so much, and really wanted them to understand why I made this decision.

Have I mentioned yet my amazing colleagues?  Two of whom are my best friends and have been with me from the beginning.  I imagined retiring alongside them in this district that I loved working in, and now that wasn't going to be a likely reality anymore.  I talked to them first (lots of tears, of course.  I was also pregnant and slightly hormonal, before you think I'm a total emotional basket case) and explained my rationale.  I didn't need to.  They are moms, and they totally understood.  In fact, literally everyone I spoke to understood and, most said something like "You won't regret doing this", "I did the same thing and wouldn't have changed a thing", or "I wish I had that option.  I would take it in a heartbeat."  More affirmation, although I knew I didn't really need it.

Even my students showed the utmost maturity and understanding after I dropped the news.  I suppose it would be hard to assume that I wanted to leave my job as I sat there sobbing through a slide show, so they knew I was being sincere, and made every effort to make me feel better about my choice.  Or at least, not make me feel lousy.  (They also had a firsthand perspective of how much I was married to my program, and when posed with the question, "What is Mrs. Willis' #1 priority?", we all knew it was secretly my job.  Oh, I always said it was God, family, and then job, but when you bring your one year old to a musical choreography rehearsal and have half your cast babysit while she is probably stuck in a pee-pee diaper, meanwhile you're running through a step-ball-change sequence over and over with the other half of your cast, you know that your priorities are a bit skewed.)  From lovely gifts, meaningful cards, amazingly impactful spoken words at our final concert, moving performances, to sincere and beautiful words written during the open ended question of their final exam, I knew that my students ultimately supported my choice and cared very deeply about the program they were a part of.

And now it's August.  Back to school season feels so surreal to me.  I haven't NOT gone to school after a summer since I was four years old, so this is really new to me.  Not to mention, while I am excited, I am also terrified about my new journey as a full-time mom.  I know this post has made it sound like I despise and resent motherhood, but that's really not the case.  I just really, REALLY loved my job and was searching for a way to keep everything on my plate.  I know that I am making the best choice for my family, and I am thrilled that I will be able to raise my girls together.  It's just going to take some time to get used to.

Don't get me wrong, teaching certainly has its moments of chaos, but it's predictable chaos, and it will eventually end when the bell rings.  There are also supports, and resources for when things aren't going smoothly.  I've worked, studied, and practiced my whole life to be a teacher, and I'm really comfortable in that position, but being a mom?  Where's the grad class for that?  Do I earn credits for all the diapers I'm changing, and do they transfer over to my potential doctorate, or something?

Strangely enough, I know it's going to be fine.  Mostly because I think teaching experience gives you a great advantage as a parent.  Raising a child involves disseminating information into the minds of little ones, and guess what I'm pretty good at doing?  Just that.  It's going to take some time for me to find my new flow and develop some routines, but it will- in some ways- be a welcome change.  There are days where I am going to go crazy, and I am going to miss my job, program, colleagues, and students tremendously, but ultimately the list of regrets I have upon leaving my job is A LOT shorter than the list of regrets I would have of having my girls grow up with a mom who put her job first, and her family second.

Here's wishing a great school year to all those heading back this Fall, especially to my GB kiddos.  Please know how much I really wish I could be botching all your accompaniments, but know that I am needed much more in my new job as a Mommy.  Lots of love to you all <3

"You'll be in my heart...always"

-Mrs. Willis

Hitting the Reset Button Part I: Pageantry

After our first child was born, I knew I was going to have to do some re-prioritizing and remove some hobbies out of my hectic schedule.  I feel like I was reasonable and proactive about it, and joked with my husband after the process that, "Well, all I have left now is the pageant and my job...hopefully they will be enough to keep me busy!"  Fast forward to three years later, and it turns out that both are now elements of my past, and looking forward I have an incredibly new, exciting, and somewhat terrifying chapter ahead of me.  Being a full-time mom.

Losing two things that were so instrumental to building my current identity in such a short order was a bit of a shock, but one that I was able to manage in bite-size pieces, and handle as well as one could be expected to handle it.  Being that I can't do either justice in just one post, I figured I would separate my thoughts in parting with two of the greatest passions I have had the pleasure of pursuing.  I give you Part I: The Miss Thousand Islands pageant.

I don't really even know where to begin, but strangely enough, I think beginning at the end is the most apropos.  After this past Miss New York Competition the Miss Thousand Islands Pageant submitted a press release explaining our decision to dissolve as an organization.  I had many people reach out to me to see how I felt about it, but to be completely honest I had some knowledge of this ahead of time, and was able to prepare for it.  If you're a pageant junkie like me, you will also know that the Miss America Competition has had a rather tumultuous year and a half, and in my heart I don't know how much longer this iconic organization is going to be able to keep its head above water.  I'm hoping for the best, but realistically, expecting the worst.  I have a lot of feelings about this, and maybe I'll address them in a later post, but for now I think it's time to back track to the beginning, and help you to understand why the elimination of this organization from my plate is so monumental.

I suppose the best way to do this is to take you through my journey, and show you how much of my life has been shaped by this "hobby" of mine.  I have been a part of pageantry in just about every capacity from 2004 until present day, so as a 32 year old that means pageants have consumed about half of my existence.  I can't begin to imagine how different my life might look if not for my involvement in pageantry- the Miss Thousand Islands Organization specifically.  A roommate, bridesmaid, co-executive director, mother-in-law, husband (and thereby family, including my two babes) have all come into my life as a result of reluctantly saying "yes" to my first pageant 15 years ago, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to give back all of the blessings I've received along this crazy journey of hairspray, butt-glue, and lots of fabulous memories.

So, continue onward if you dare, and enjoy the pictorial evidence of my cosmetic failures throughout the years.

Miss Thousand Islands 2005

• Placement: Non-finalist (probably dead last)
• Growth: Have you ever taken an algebra test without having first taken an algebra class?  That's what this experience felt like, and despite me having absolutely no idea what I was doing or why I was doing it, I knew I did it all terribly.  I wanted and desperately needed to try again, to prove to myself I wasn't as epic a failure as I felt.
• Summary: Where there is a steep learning curve, there must also be perseverance.

Miss Thousand Islands 2006

• Placement: Second-runner up (hold your applause, there were only five contestants)
• Growth: I still didn't know how to walk on stage properly, but I felt more comfortable in interview this time, having done it once before.  I felt like I was getting more comfortable performing talent on stage in a pageant environment, rather than my strict NYSSMA/audition environment.
• Summary: Baby steps, but progress.

Miss Thousand Islands 2007

• Placement: Non-finalist (perhaps pageants just aren't my thing...)
• Growth: It's not in the bag, and being close to winning one year does not guarantee anything in future years.  I feel like I changed a lot about what I did, but was it for the right reasons?  I performed what I thought people wanted to see and hear, and phoned it in a bit because I thought I had an advantage.  Indeed, I did not.
• Summary: Don't combine talents, no matter how good you are at one or the other.  It is just common sense that one, if not both, will suffer.

Miss Lancaster 2007

• Placement: Non-finalist (at least I am consistent)
• Growth: I attended college at Fredonia, and this was my first experience branching out from the Miss TI pageant.  I learned that not all pageants are the same, but they can offer different opinions and perspectives.  I also debuted a more classical/operatic performance rather than jazz songs and show tunes.
• Summary: Don't enter a pageant after a bad breakup, and know who Dick Cheney is.

Miss Western New York 2007

• Placement: 3rd Runner Up (applaud like mad...there were more than five contestants)
• Growth: This was the first top five placement I feel like I really earned, and I was so proud of myself.  I was probably the least physically polished of all the contestants (note the ill fitting dress, and add to it the fact that girls backstage were helping me apply lip liner, and my hair was as flat as my 7th grade chest) but I had a great interview, and I answered my on-stage question (which was probably the worst on-stage question I've ever been asked) candidly and eloquently.
• Summary: To thine own self be true...but lip liner and voluminous hair are still important.

Miss Thousand Islands 2008

• Placement: Miss Thousand Islands 2008 (Huzzah!)
• Growth: With the experiences I gained from other organizations, I felt like I was a melting pot of pageantry advice, and after having earned my first top five placement I felt strong.  Maybe I wouldn't necessarily win, but I felt that I would do well and be proud of my progress.  This was also the first time I sang with more classical technique at my hometown pageant, and it was very surprising to most that I was able to do it.  In hindsight, it's probably what I should have done from the get-go.  I had a very honest and casual interview with the judges (one of whom would become my future mother-in-law) and I felt good about the "me" that the judges got to see.
• Summary: I felt calm, in control, and effortless.  There was still room for improvement, but I was finally showcasing the most genuine version of myself, and it felt good.

Miss New York 2008

• Placement: Non-finalist 
• Growth: I loved each and every girl I got to know at Miss New York, and I felt like I prepared as best I could.  I knew exactly how I wanted to answer each question, and felt like I knew myself well.  What I was not prepared for was the style of the interview, which was very intense, and geared to see who could handle the psychological pressure of a tough interview.  It was unlike anything I'd experienced, and I stumbled over an easy question that I had a great response to.  I asked them to repeat the question, and knew that it cost me any chance I had at placing, but I learned more about interview in those 10 minutes than I had in the past four years of pageant prep, and it was a very valuable lesson.  I was also too intimidated and shy to really act like myself around the contestants, and most of my experience feels like I was an outsider looking in.  I didn't want to say or do anything that made me appear unfit to wear the crown, so unfortunately, I didn't say or do much at all.  In hindsight, I wish I had the confidence to truly be myself, just for the sake of getting the most out my experience.
• Summary: The crown is meant to fit the girl, not the other way around.

Miss Finger Lakes 2009

• Placement: 2nd Runner Up
• Growth: After my experience at Miss NY, I felt SO ready to explore other talent selections of a classical nature.  Don't get me wrong, I wasn't "sandbagging", but I was a voice major with classical training, and for the average pageant contestant, that's a pretty nice advantage in the talent department.  I picked a mezzo-soprano aria, "Habanera" from Carmen, and performed in a fun red gown.  It was well-known, relatively easy to learn, and didn't require me to spend hours in the practice room mastering difficult technique.  Lo and behold on pageant day, we find out that the judging panel has not one, but TWO opera singers on it.  For real!?  Everyone thought I was excited about it, "Wow, that's awesome for you, right?!"  Ummm, no?  If you were demonstrating karate as a talent, would you want to be evaluated by Bruce Lee?  All things considered, I did well, but they did seek me out afterwards to say "Yeah, you need to be singing actual soprano literature that is much more challenging than this".  Busted.
• Summary: Just because something comes easily to you, it does not mean you shouldn't put in the maximum effort. 

Miss Southeast NY 2009

• Placement: 3rd Runner Up
• Growth: This was the furthest I had ever traveled to compete in a local, and while I was kind of terrified to be competing in an area I had never before been to, I was also excited.  It was all kinds of new at every corner, and was a really fun production to be a part of.  I think I was trying too hard to be what I thought the judges wanted, and while I was very proud of my placement, I also almost placed face-first onto the stage in swimsuit because I got a little excited about my French turn.
• Summary: You don't have to march to the same beat as everyone else.  It also doesn't hurt to get your dress tailored...

Miss Thousand Islands 2010

• Placement: 1st Runner Up
• Growth: This was the first Miss Thousand Islands pageant I was eligible to compete in since my reign in 2008, and I was so excited to get back on the Opera House stage as a contestant.  In hindsight, this was probably the most authentic self I presented to a judging panel since the year I won, and I felt really great on stage.  While I didn't walk away with the crown, I was really happy and at peace with my performance and placement.
• Summary: You don't have to feel like you're a failure just because you didn't win.  I don't think there's anything I would have changed about my performance that day, but that doesn't mean I was the best choice.

Miss Finger Lakes 2010

• Placement: 4th Runner Up 
• Growth: This pageant was a slew of ups and downs for me personally, and while I feel like I performed well overall, it just wasn't a great night.  From wardrobe mishaps (completely my own fault, no sabotage whatsoever) to prop failures during talent, it just felt like I was going through the motions and wasn't actually enjoying myself.  It was also the first pageant I had competed in while working full time as a music teacher, and I have to admit that it was a different experience trying to prepare while I had so much on my plate professionally.  On the flip side, one of my dearest friends won, and was the only contestant in the top 5 who had not previously competed at Miss NY!  I was so very excited for her that it really didn't matter how I felt anymore, and it was a perfect end to an exhausting weekend.
• Summary: Deserving something requires hard work...but also the right intentions.  Striving to get a ticket to Miss NY while wearing a sash from an area that I did not have any ties to started to feel disingenuous to me.  Each time I placed, I felt like I took a spot away from a girl who really wanted it for the right reasons, and I was brought back to how I felt in my many non-finalist moments at Miss TI.  I decided I'd do one more Miss TI pageant before I aged out, and if it wasn't meant to be, I would forge a new path.

Miss Thousand Islands 2011

• Placement: 1st Runner Up
• Growth: This was the toughest pageant pill I had ever had to swallow, and I spent weeks feeling lousy and questioning myself.  I just felt so strong on stage, and for the first time in my life, won a talent award!  (Awarded by my future mother-in-law)  Don't get me wrong, I was excited to place so high, but I had put all my eggs in this basket, and to have my pageant journey end so abruptly felt so...final.  It wasn't until several months later that I realized several things: 
• I had a plan.  God had a different plan.  God always wins.  Does God even get involved with matters as menial as pageantry?  Who knows.  Regardless, I could mentally rationalize that winning again wasn't in the cards for me, and that there was another path in store, but I just couldn't immediately see it and I. Did. Not. Like. That.
• Follow-up: The Miss NY Pageant that year happened to fall during Regents week.  As a full-time employee, you don't really get "pageant leave" and were I to have won, I would have likely had to either resign my title, or give up my job.  Again: I had a plan, God had a better plan.
• God also had a plan for the lucky girl that walked away from that pageant the rightful winner.  She has been an instrumental part of our organization and has given so much of her time and expertise to the Miss TI organization.  There would be no complete #GoldenSisterhood without her in it.
• I. Was. Trying. Too. Hard.  Thankfully, I'm good at using my failures as teachable moments to others.  Onstage, I don't think I'd have changed anything, but my interview (while factually and grammatically on point) was aggressive and probably preachy.  That's not who I was when I won three years prior, and that's not who deserved the crown that evening.  All talent awards and points aside, I really wanted to win...but didn't truly deserve it.  That was probably the toughest part to come to terms with, but is the truth.
• Summary: Life hands you lemons so that you can make lemonade.  Maybe you don't want it, or even like lemonade, but you need it.  So drink the damn lemonade, because it's good for you.

Miss Thousand Islands 2011-2013

• Placement: Board Member
• Growth: Hello from the other siiiiiiide!  There was a substantial amount of growth earned in these three years, as I think I was the first Miss TI to serve on the board of directors.  I learned so very much about the administrative side of things (i.e. the INSANE amount of work it takes to run a pageant...and to run it well) and I'd like to think that the board learned a bit about what it feels like from a titleholder perspective.  I surmise that we both shaped each other in positive ways, and it was a fantastic opportunity to mentor and support each titleholder.  It was also during this time (through pageantry, I might add) that I found my husband-to-be through my former judge and talent award donor, Deltra Willis.  God does have a way of making things work out for the best! :) 
• Summary: When you give back to those who have given so much to you, the rewards are endless.  (No, I did not steal this from a fortune cookie)

Miss Central New York 2014-2015
   

• Placement: Co-Executive Director
• Growth:  My dear friend Amy and I were discussing our pageant journeys one day, and had this crazy idea: 1) the Central New York region has little to no representation at Miss NY 2) We should be the ones to make it happen (despite the fact that neither of us have any ties to the CNY area whatsoever).  While it was sad to leave the Miss TI board, it was an exciting, difficult, but very rewarding journey calling the shots in a new endeavor.  We had two amazing young women and teens that we were able to work with as our titleholders, and we were able to offer the girls who competed with us a chance to learn, grow, and become better versions of themselves.  To be honest, we wanted to make our own "Miss TI experience" and offer it to others, and while it was short lived and maybe could never measure up to the actual Miss TI standards, we were very proud of our organization.
• Summary: Flying solo, while terrifying at times, is filled with a plethora of learning experiences and opportunities for betterment.

Miss Thousand Islands 2016-2019

• Placement: Board Member
• Growth: At this point, I've run the full gamut.  Contestant, titleholder, board member, auditor, judge, and executive director.  Seeing the pageant world from nearly every perspective possible gave me such an appreciation for the entire process, and I was excited to be welcomed back home with open arms after our Miss CNY tenure had run its course.  Working primarily with talent and production number music, I feel like I found my niche, and thoroughly enjoyed making backing tracks for the crazy-talented contestants, titleholders and performers that were a part of our productions.  When I listen back to some of my first mixes, I cringe, but with the guidance of my superstar husband and my ears, I was able to improve exponentially with each task, and to this day I get immense satisfaction out of making backing tracks and arranging music.
• Summary: Well-roundedness, while maybe not the key to sheer excellence, is definitely one of the keys to success.

It's no coincidence that you see the Miss Thousand Islands Pageant in my timeline so often.  If you ask anyone about the pageant, it is simply stated: it's the best.  The Miss Thousand Islands Organization and its board of directors not only boasted being the longest consecutively run local pageant in New York, but it also cared deeply about its contestants, welcoming them all into their Golden Sisterhood regardless of where they come from, their experience, or their performance ability.  While not every contestant that crossed our stage won, EVERY contestant felt loved, welcomed, and grew immensely from the time and dedication that the Miss TI board prides itself on bestowing upon each girl who chooses to compete.  

You would be hard pressed to find an organization that is being run behind the scenes by a majority of former competitors and titleholders.  There's a huge reason why we choose to volunteer, and it's because the things that we have gained, not just as competitors but as human beings, are things we could never repay the organization and its volunteers for.  So we do what we can.  No one walks away from the title of Miss Thousand Islands without having undergone a complete 180 makeover of their mind, heart, and soul, and to that we owe the board and volunteers (primarily Sue, Shelby, and Gary) more than we could ever give.  

In fact, many of our personal, professional and familial successes can in some way be traced back to something we have gleaned through our pageant experience, and that is so much more than just bestowing a scholarship to a contestant and placing a sparkly tiara on a young woman's head.  It's helping her forge her path.  It's empowering her.  It's teaching her that she is in control of her body and mind.  It's changing her life.

To summarize how I truly feel about this organization would take a short novel, and I know that brevity is not my strong suit, hence this incredibly long post.  To summarize how I feel about the Miss Thousand Islands Organization in less than 30 seconds?  (Us pageant girls are great at this):

I have been changed for good.