CAUTION!

For quite some time now, I have gotten a sick sense of pleasure out of providing my own narrative to caution signs.  I don't know when it started, exactly, but I think it was some time in college.  Regardless, there is something about the necessary vagueness of said caution signs that makes them particularly vulnerable to manipulation, on varying degrees.  Here are some of the winners I have selected, and opted to share with you, my glorious audience.  Feel free to comment or message me with your own interpretations of these -or other- gems.

Category 1: Generic Caution Signs

Ummm, ok.  Is this addressing immigration?  Kidnapping, perhaps?  Marathon runners?  It's a little unclear to me, so I investigated and this is just your run of the mill pedestrian crossing sign.  Except it's on steroids.  These pedestrians GOT PLACES TO BE.  Barefoot, might I add.  Can I also ask why their fearless leader is looking AT THE GROUND?  When has that ever resulted in a high amount of success crossing the street?  The perk to this sign is that the persons included are wearing clothes.  I give it a 3/10.

Again, I will award bonus points for the clothing aspect of this sign, and I will admit it is a step up (see 

what I did there?) from its predecessor, considering that it is actually depicting what one should be cautious of.  But can we analyze his fall?  Neither foot is on the ground, and we can assume by his lax physical demeanor that his body has not yet registered that he is falling, so we are pretty early in the process here.  When most people trip, their foot is either making contact with A) the ground, or B) said object being tripped over, but this guy feels like hazardly hover-gliding all over until he knocks himself over.  How about we put our feet on the ground like normal people and chill out when we choose to commute by foot?  Amateur.  7/10

Ahhh, the not-so-elusive wet floor sign, and one of my favorites.  Signs of this low-effort level of illustration are perhaps the easiest to manipulate.  The lack of dimension (or floor, incidentally enough) allow me to instinctively see this person sitting on a beach, perhaps, waving to the cabana boy for another margarita (you can tell I'm missing Jamaica right about now, mon).  Or someone sitting  suggestively on a bed beckoning you over.  Or Prince Charming resting in a shrub reciting sonnets to his Rapunzel in a high tower.  Either way, it doesn't scream "DANGER", "SLIPPERY" or even "FLOOR".  The body language of this sign is sorely misguided, albeit imaginatively and hilariously so, earning it a 5/10.

This.  This is break dancing.  4/10.

CUZ THIS IS THRILLLERRRRR!  THRILLLLLERRRR NIIIIIIGGHHHT! 5/10 for sheer choreographical genius.

Category 2: Escape/Evacuation Related Signs

In fine print (Braille, to be exact) it says "…and please do so in an unusually calm way, with a body position similar to the one exhibited by Kate Winslet on the bow of the Titanic."  This person might as well be singing Zip-a-dee-doo-da with a bluebird on his shoulder, as the movement, alignment, and body angle (which allows us to hypothesize his speed) all indicate that he is just there to smell the roses.  On a staircase.  That's on fire.  Despite the lack of hastening, the directions are clear, so I have to give it 8/10.  Demerits for nakedness.

Wait, what?  To go UP?  WHY?!  This picture reminds me of a question that I missed on a practice regents for my algebra class, because despite the clarity of the question being asked, I did the problem in reverse because the ferris wheel in the diagram was going backwards.  When asked why I didn't follow directions, I simply stated that I chose to live in the real world.  Anyway, is this photo clear?  Yes.  Does it lack common sense?  Also yes.  5/10  for dangerous lack of common sense and unnecessarily large steps.

I included this for two reasons: 1) this is a pedestrian sign found in Jamaica, and I LOLed when I saw it, and 2) there is no text on it whatsoever, indicating that it's not really cautioning anything at all.  In fact, the sheer detail of the proportions, shadowing, and accessories on these kids leads me to believe that this is just public art.  How refreshing.  A+!

I'm pretty sure this sign was ripped off of a castle level of Super Mario World, and I'm pretty sure I #&$^@* hated that level, because I sucked at it.  For bringing back traumatic memories, you sir get a 4/10.

Category 3: Park Related Signs

Yeah, more like PHANTOM bicyclists.  You're not fooling me, sign.  I know the difference between a person and a bike.  I have a regents diploma, lest you forget.  Maybe this is just a reeeaaallly clever "CAUTION: BEARS EATING TOURISTS" sign, but you just have to think to the point where you get an aneurism to figure it out.  6/10 for its mystery and ambiguity….

Remember how I said I had an irrational fear of the ocean?  Well, this sign exists, and despite the fact that this human-squid-bait is wearing an adult diaper, I take this type of warning very seriously.  What is this sign warning us of, exactly though?  I don't know, but let's all agree to just stay the hell out of the water and not find out.  10/10 for boldness, proper use of scare tactics, and a shameless plug for Depends undergarments.

I would like to think that this is not a sign asking parents to refrain from feeding their children to alligators, but then again the TV show Honey Boo Boo exists, so I guess anything is possible.  I would, however, like to think that this sign is cautioning parents from holding their children over protective fences to try to observe the animals at a closer level.  Sort of like the time my dad went into the pond behind the tennis courts in Florida despite the alligator signs to retrieve a ball.  What can I say, the man really loves his tennis.  The fact that the alligator has no eyes is a little disturbing as well.  I think this merits a 3/10 for vagueness, poor graphics, and forcing me to question humanity.

This is a sign featured on an amusement park ride in Toshimaen Japan, and as creative a person as I am, I can't even begin to fathom what this means.  Keep watch, never leave, and drop all sound like lyrics to a L'il Jon/Usher dub step collaboration, and even L'il Jon's watered down, vague lyricism is a bit more cohesive than this sign.  Is a floating head attempting to hypnotize a baby a la the Jafar snake staff from Aladdin?  Is a mother leaving her baby on a conveyer belt, and is that why there is a drop?  I…I just can't.

I didn't have the resources or ability to map out my rationales to my favorite medium, which is the airline safety cards in the seat back pockets of air crafts.  What a treat that is, let me tell you.  Here is your homework: the next time you're on a flight, actually do what the stewardess says and read it.  The photos are HIL.AR.IOUS.  Especially if it's an older flight and the graphics are poor.  You won't regret it.