Food Horoscopes

For those of you that know me, it's not untrue that I can be a little clumsy.  Not in the "Oops, I tripped!" sort of way, although that does happen occasionally.  It's more so around food.  I have a theory that it's because I get really, REALLY excited about food, especially when it's food I like, since as a picky eater that is oftentimes hard to come by.

Anyway, another aspect of this food-love that I possess is due to the fact that, at work, I frequently work through, postpone, or altogether skip my lunch for the sake of beautiful music making with the little chilluns.  Worry not, faithful friends, I more than make up for it in my off-time.  As you can see though, the aforementioned create this perfect recipe (no pun intended) for my absolute, overwhelming satisfaction when I am able to sit down and enjoy eating my lunch at school.  I'm practically skipping in the hall making up a theme song about lunch consumption, and that is actually not an extreme exaggeration, if you know my impromptu song-making fascination.

Needless to say, when I drop food/miss my mouth/spill things/ I get pretty devastated.  Not like, "Hulk SMASH" angry, but just genuine disappointment.  Sort of like her…

I know, first world problems, but gurrl, I can relate.  Here's a prime example: the slew of students that 

occupy my room during my lunch period, aka the persons behind the incessant mockery when I fail at nourishing myself, have witnessed me slobber my way through many a meal.  Last week I got a little cocky and said, "Wanna bet I can open this fruit cup without spilling it?" and it was almost insulting how immediately they laughed and vehemently argued that such a feat on my end was impossible.  They were right, but still, cut me some slack guys…

So what does this all have to do with horoscopes?  Well, since we are currently in the months in which the top of my desk is visible, I have a desk calendar that looks pretty standard, with the full month neatly laid out, and the subsequent months below it in chronological order.

I think the clever folk will see where I'm going with this…my slobbery- mixed with the calendar of days past, present, and future- leads me to possibly overanalyze the incurring mishaps when I stumble over my delicious lunch items.  This is particularly problematic for dates in the future, as it seems like an omen that I now need to be aware of.  The following is a small list I have compiled of spills, dates, and what they mean.  Do you have a food horoscope?  Probably.  Send me your slobbish desk calendar and I will Miss Cleo my way into telling your future.  It is critical to inform you that- much like dry cleaners- the more specific you can be with the item of food, the better I can read your future.

Date: September 23rd, 2014

Offense: Spicy chicken alfredo stain from a microwave meal found in the $1 and under section of Wal-Mart

Horoscope: Your mediocrity shines today, as your tendency to be lazy and procrastinate takes hold.  You will find yourself in financial trouble today, but don't worry- when a friend or loved one points this out to you, you find yourself insulting them with your biting and short sense of humor.  Today is not a good day for you, so you should probably stay home.  Also, you will likely spill something.

Date: October 4th, 2014

Offense: Macaroni and cheese stain from a homemade recipe that was slightly burnt, because the crockpot was not properly greased and also has a big crack in it that I choose to ignore.

Horoscope: Today you will find yourself hiding from reality and the truth, which will later cause you to burn a bridge with a current friend.  Your inability to slide from problem to problem smoothly results in some gaps in your ability to handle confrontations, as you react illogically and unpredictably.  Today, you are going to confuse and irritate people.  And spill something.

Date: November 17th, 2014

Offense: French Vanilla black tea that you purchased to try something different because your husband's French Vanilla coffee always smells so good you assume the tea has to be the same, causing you to deviate from your traditional Vanilla Chai.  Upon consumption, you realize you've made a grave error, as it tastes like marshmallow Peeps got drunk on vanilla extract and melted in a hot tub, and you are forced to drink the hot tub water remains of drunken-Peep-death.

Horoscope: Today you are going to think out of the box and express yourself in a new way you've not yet experienced, so be brave!  Ultimately, though, it will end up blowing up in your face and you will regret every choice you have made, but out of sheer stubbornness and frugalness, you will choose to relive this same, poor choice for another 13 days, until the decision has run its course completely.  You will likely knock something over, resulting in a spill.

Date: December 5th, 2014

Offense: Fruit cup guts, from the aforementioned challenge where my britches got a little big.

Horoscope: Today, you will set goals and accept the challenges of life.  In fact, you will likely set goals that are more ambitious than normal, that will inevitably result in your inability to meet them.  This failed attempt at high standards will likely occur in a public setting, allowing others to see and even mock your unusually high ambitions, resulting in a dark cave of mediocrity where you will continue to set moderately to very low rigor goals to boost your already plummeting self-esteem.  You go, girl!  Just go slowly, because you are apt to spill something.

So, what's your food horoscope?  I'm kind of a pro at this.